I think I learned something important about myself today. I’m kind of damaged. I’m really not okay in coping with the loss of Paula. It seems that the only times I feel alright it’s because my brain just shuts off. As soon as I remember again, I feel like I’m right back where I started on September 14th. I’ve been really frustrated with this and I feel like I ought to be making some sort of arbitrary progress. But I’ve learned that it’s okay to be not okay.
I’ve also realized that I need to give myself a chance. The standards to which I hold myself are drastically unfair. I don’t want to let myself be upset, let myself cry, let myself talk about it because I feel like I ought to be “better” than that. It’s as if I hold myself responsible for upholding this false image of what strong is. I think I figured out that I got it in my head that to be in so much pain, seven months after the fact, was disgracing her memory. She brought so much joy to those around her and I know she wouldn’t want me to be in pain at the thought of her. But all this is incredibly self-destructive. Abusing myself mentally this way is no better than dragging a blade across my skin. Paula would want me to be happy, sure, but she would, above all, want me to take care of myself. And she would certainly want me to grieve in the way that is best for me. Whatever that means.
There are so many different ways to grieve. No two people are the same in how they handle death. I have to stop comparing myself to others because even if they knew her like I did, I’m my own person. I am confident that there will come a day I can look back on the twenty years I was able to spend with her and be happy. Today is not that day and that is perfectly alright. Consider this a pep-talk to myself.
Death sucks. To lose someone you love is so unbearably shitty and it is going to hurt for a good long while. Those who bring us the most joy are the hardest to lose. Today we lost a Paula-esque figure at my college and I really felt guilty for feeling so tortured by my recent past because I didn’t feel that I was really grieving for him. But in truth, I didn’t know Brett like others did. He was an absolute pleasure to work with and I enjoyed every moment I was around him. Sometimes witnessing the loss of others can trigger memories of our own losses. This is normal and this is acceptable. I have to start viewing my emotions as valid and normal.
It’s always the Brett’s or the Paula’s of the world.
Brett died this morning after suffering a second massive stroke. He underwent emergency surgery and it failed. This is a song I’ve sung before.
Every day I got to work with Brett was a good day. His smile was infectious and he always had a good joke to tell. He was a brilliant musician with the most gentle and kind soul.
There had been too much of this shit for one year.
What she *really* means: “I’m sorry, I’m not interested in sleeping with you, I'm interested in this guy who just dumped my best friend with a text. He's hot and a real bad boy, but it will be different with me. I know he won't treat me the same way he did her, because I'm special. You'll see!”
(In reference to a post I made in March.) My post was a generalization, certainly, but it’s purpose was to illustrate that women aren’t always shady, cryptic riddle masters and that they do say what they mean. I have witnessed all too often men get rejected by a woman and assume that she is playing “hard to get” or assume what you have described to me here. I’m not going to say all women are blameless angels who can do no wrong. But I think it is important to listen and honor the wishes of another human being, even if those wishes do not match your own. And this door swings both ways. No one should feel pressured into having sex, regardless of gender or orientation. Anyone should be able to say they aren’t interested and feel safe doing so.
You appear to be quite jaded in your message here. Although this could be simply an opportunity to be an anonymous troll, I hope that it does not come from a place of genuine hurt. If you have had a negative experience that has twisted your outlook on women as a whole, I am sorry. I agree that people, man or woman, ought not jump into a romantic pursuit with the mindset that they can/will “change” the other person. To change the behavior of another human being is a fruitless effort. People are the way they are and if they want to change, only they, themselves, have the ability to do so.
TL;DR - Everyone should have the right to say no. Everyone should have the decency to respect that choice.
Hi friends. I’ve been discovering some really awesome indie-folk bands lately and I thought I’d share the love. If you’re on the hunt for some really cool shit, check some of these guys out. The read-more has more detailed reviews.
Today in my creative writing course, during a peer edit session, I read my story about a single mother whose daughter is taken suddenly by a massive infection. Unable to cope with the grief, the mother takes her own life. Some of my peers responded saying that it was a “beautiful” ending.
There is nothing beautiful about death or suicide. It is an ugly, tortured fate, filled to the brim with tragedy and hurt. When a human being feels that they are presented with no other option in life but to bring their own to an end, that, my friends, is devastating.
To be honest I think people get carried away with this whole “LEONARDO DI CAPRIO MUST HAVE AN OSCAR.” Don’t get me wrong, he’s a talented actor and it isn’t that I think he doesn’t deserve one for some of his films, but I don’t think it is worth obsessing over. The Academy Awards are shit to begin with, which is why I don’t watch them. 99% of the time, the artists that I think deserve the award don’t get it. I also acknowledge that I have a different taste than the general population in most things, so even though I don’t care for Lorde’s music, there is an extremely large group of people who listened to her music.
In terms of Oscars and Leo, to be frank, I don’t believe every single role he’s ever been in was deserving of an oscar. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and Django were amazing movies and his roles in particular were well done. On the flip side, I can’t stand Titanic, I thought Inception was only decent, and I heard the new Gatsby left a lot to be desired.
Above all, however, is the fact that the old joke of Leo never getting the Oscar is a very tired one. He himself has stated that he doesn’t act to be awarded a little golden statue, he does it because he loves it. Johnny Depp, Edward Norton, Harrison Ford, John Travolta, Gary Oldman, Robert Downey Jr., Liam Neeson, Mark Wahlberg, these are all very talented actors without Oscars. It doesn’t make them any less amazing or tarnish their reputations as actors. People are unpredictable, fickle, and sometimes they don’t have good taste. Sometimes the shittiest RomCom of the year gets an academy award, and the groundbreaking, inventive story gets shafted. In fact most times, that’s the case.
So what are we to do? Stop caring so much. Academy Awards mean very little, or at least they should because there are hundreds of musicians, movies, actors, artists, and authors who will never make that acceptance speech who deserve our respect. And Leo is gonna be just fine. I promise.
Doctors told me a long time ago that I shouldn’t worry about my migraines. “They usually go away with age.” I am older and I get more migraines now than ever before. I’m tired of having so many pages torn from my life. I’m tired of being incapacitated for a week just for getting my period and barely being able to open my eyes. I’m tired of having to tell Mike that I can’t watch a movie with him or do anything with him this evening because of a goddamn migraine. It isn’t fair. It isn’t getting better. The medication isn’t working anymore. I just want to live normally, without this handicap that nobody understands. And no. It isn’t “just a headache” and no I can’t just ignore it or get over it. If I could, believe me, I would have done it by now.